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  • Caleb Birkhoff

Why You Should be Practicing Honesty in your Relationship

In the dance of love and connection, honesty takes center stage, setting the rhythm for a relationship's heartbeat. Picture honesty not merely as a virtue but as an essential ingredient in the relationship you’re baking. As couples therapists, I often witness the transformative power of truth—how it turns into trust, vulnerability, and understanding. Read below to explore the profound significance of honesty in relationships. From unraveling the essence of honesty to understanding its absence and the delicate balance between privacy and deception, let's navigate the terrain where authenticity leads and connections deepen.


1. What does having honesty in a relationship mean?


Honesty in a relationship means being able to be truthful with your partner, and to be able to expect truthfulness from your partner. Sometimes honesty gets misconstrued with transparency, it is not the same thing. It involves sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly, as well as being accountable for your actions. Honest communication builds trust and fosters a deep emotional connection between partners.Being honest with someone does not mean that you have no privacy or inner life, that everything in your life must be substantiated with some sort of "receipt." Honesty in a relationship is foundational to trust, which is what allows healthy relationships to function. It's also core to being differentiated from our partner, being two whole people in a relationship, instead of the Disney Princess narrative many of us have been sold; where you find someone who completes you.



2. Why is honesty so important in a relationship?


· Honesty is how we demonstrate being trustworthy. Trust in a relationship allows us to mostly operate without jealousy or suspicion, and when those feelings do arise, we're able to talk about them and seek authentic reassurance.


· Honesty is key to being predictable and accountable. If I say I'm going to do something, and then do it, we're not only building trust, but self-esteem, and safety in our relationships. We're inherently social creatures, but we do feel safest in predictable patterns with others.


· Honesty allows us to ask for our needs and wants to be met. In a relationship that has space to share what we truly think and feel, we're better able to attend to our wants/needs in a relationship, and to ask someone else to do the same. We end up in collaborative relationships that allow us to feel connected, loved, and supported.


· Honesty allows us to take risks, to try new things, to seek support, and evolve. It is a helpful ingredient in having sustainable long-term relationships that can renegotiate terms as needed.


· Honesty is the foundation of a healthy and thriving relationship. It creates a safe space for vulnerability, understanding, and mutual respect. When partners are honest with each other, they build trust, strengthen emotional intimacy, and foster a sense of security. It allows couples to navigate challenges, resolve conflicts, and grow together authentically.



3. What happens when you don't practice honesty in a relationship?


If honesty is not a common practice in a relationship we're often left with suspicion, jealousy, passive-aggressive interactions, and violations of privacy. All that to say we end up feeling hurt, unsafe, taken for granted, and disconnected. We find ourselves needing proof for everything, but not believing the evidence presented, because the track history is so poor. In my experience couples who don't have honesty in their relationships are unhappy together, filled with sadness and anger, and if they do stay together it's more a decision about not leaving, than it is a decision about staying.


When honesty is lacking in a relationship, it can lead to a range of issues:

- Erosion of Trust: Without honesty, trust is compromised, making it challenging for partners to feel secure in the relationship. Without trust, or eroded trust, there is a distinct level in comfort spending time separately, what someone is doing on their phone, or the true nature of their other relationships. It’s a source of considerable pain and isolation in relationships.

- Communication Breakdown: Lack of honesty hinders effective communication, leading to misunderstandings and potential conflicts. Most of your conversations will end up feeling adversarial and have the stakes feeling very high. Every fight feels like it could be the last one.


- Emotional Distance: Partners may become emotionally distant, as the absence of honesty can create a barrier to true intimacy. You might find yourself pulling back from your partner as you protect yourself. These sorts of relationships are not very satisfying for those in them.


- Resentment and Frustration: Unresolved issues due to dishonesty can breed resentment and frustration, negatively impacting the overall relationship satisfaction. This leads to a cumulative effect in your disagreements or fights. Instead of having an argument about the topic at hand, you’re having all of the arguments.



4. What is the difference between privacy and dishonesty?


The difference in privacy and dishonesty is marked by an intention to withhold, deceive, or engage actively in lying. A private life is about having boundaries, not manipulation. Lying and dishonesty is about protecting your own interest and staying “out of trouble.”


Privacy and dishonesty are distinct concepts in a relationship:

- Privacy: Everyone is entitled to personal boundaries and the space to keep certain aspects of their lives private. This might include thoughts, feelings, or experiences that one is not ready to share. Respecting privacy is healthy and doesn't necessarily involve deception.


- Dishonesty: This involves actively concealing or fabricating information to mislead one's partner. It goes beyond privacy and breaches the trust that is crucial for a strong and honest connection.


Practical Tips for Fostering Honesty:

1. Create a Judgment-Free Zone: Ensure that your relationship is a safe space where both partners feel accepted and loved, regardless of their thoughts or actions.


2. Encourage Open Communication: Foster an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment.


3. Be Vulnerable: Lead by example and share your thoughts and feelings openly. This encourages your partner to do the same.


4. Practice Active Listening: Cultivate the skill of active listening, demonstrating that you value and respect your partner's perspective.


5. Address Issues Promptly: When conflicts arise, address them promptly and honestly. Avoiding problems only exacerbates them over time.


6. Seek Professional Guidance: If communication challenges persist, consider seeking the assistance of a couples therapist. They can provide tools and insights to strengthen your connection.


Remember, honesty is a continuous practice that contributes to the ongoing growth and resilience of your relationship. Celebrate the journey of openness, understanding, and shared vulnerability with your partner.


You can Have Trust in Your Relationship


In unraveling the layers of honesty within relationships, the profound impact on trust, vulnerability, and connection can not be overstated. Acknowledging the importance of truth in our partnerships is an essential step toward fostering authenticity. If the journey of honesty in your relationship has faced challenges or missteps, remember, you're not alone. Couples counseling provides a supportive environment where open communication, understanding, and the restoration of honesty can thrive. Consider this an invitation to explore the possibility of therapy, where the foundation of your relationship can find renewed strength and resonance. Embrace the possibility of a more authentic and connected future, guided by the expertise of couples therapy. It is possible to break trust by yourself in a relationship, but it has to be rebuilt together.


I hope that this helps you feel more confident about starting, or returning, to couples therapy in San Francisco. If after reading all of that, you’re still swirling with questions feel free to call me at 415-990-1452 for a free 15-minute phone consultation and to get some questions answered. I would be happy to hear what is happening for you, what you’re looking for and provide some direction to finding the right therapist for you.


Additionally, if you are seeking help with couples therapy, drugs and alcohol, life transitions, discovering yourself, or therapy for men’s issues, you can read more about how Caleb Birkhoff might be able to help by clicking here!




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